Well on Saturday after coming home from an awesome and inspiring meeting, I had much to reflect upon. The topic was "Why am I doing this." I loved hearing all the answers to the question. It really got me thinking why and I doing this. I will get to my answer but not until after I explain my thoughts.
I had a great weigh in down 3.4 pounds putting me at a total of 103 pounds lost. My leader asked me how do I feel now,since I have a hit another milestone in my journey. When I got home that thought just stayed in my mind. I feel like myself in some ways, and in many ways not myself. In fact in many ways, I feel like a totally new person. I now feel like that song "It's a New Day" I love the part that says "And this old world is a new world. And a bold world. For me." (I love Nina Samone's version the best)
I let my weight create a prison for me. A little box where I had to stay. That way no one noticed how big I was, if I were not the center of attention, then no one saw that I was obese. I was so limited, I could not go to the mall and buy cute clothes. I could not hang with the girls because, I would be the fat friend. I avoided all full length mirrors. I never dressed up because I could not find anything to wear in my size that did not look like it was for Madea in Tyler Perry's movies. Now, I no longer have to shop in the plus size side. I can wear a belt! I can wear fitted pants! I can get on any ride and not worry about the size limit. I remember being on elevators and staring at the weight limit worrying about mine. I dance in the kitchen. I make healthy choices most of the time. I read labels, look at my sodium intake, drink almost nothing but water, and fitness is my passion. I still am the old me too. I still struggle with food. Still struggle to know when I am really full. Still here Nestle Toll House cookies calling my name. Still feel like the 298 pound fat girl.
But now I am a fighter. Now I know that the road is not only bumpy but has about 9000 speed bumps, and some areas with no guard rails! There are days when it feels so hard, so hard that it seems like I should say what the heck, and eat whatever, because I will never be thin. But that is fear talking, and fear may be my giant, but I have my five stones in my pocket, and I am ready to take it on. I spent way too much time being afraid, afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid to keep going, afraid of messing up, you name it. But that is giving the fears too much control. If I fall seven times, I get up eight times.
I gotta tell you to lose weight it is not easy, in fact it is one of the hardest things you will ever ever do in your life, but it can be one of the most rewarding. You have to realize you need to exercise, to burn calories and for overall health and fitness. But most of it is what the heck you put in your mouth period. You have to be willing to make changes and sacrifices to your lifestyle. If not then you will fail. You have to be willing to eat baked apples for dessert a few night a week, to have that piece of cheesecake. You have to be willing to get up when you want to sleep in and get on that treadmill to burn calories to prepare for that wedding on the weekend. You have to be willing to order an appetizer for dinner when your friends eat double cheeseburgers. You have to be willing to account for every single thing you put in your mouth. Most of all you have to be honest with yourself. If you taste every single dish while cooking and do not account for those calories, or if you don't weigh and measure your food, you can not be mad at the scale when it moves in the wrong direction, or not at all.
You have to realize there will be weeks where you do every single thing perfectly, track, exercise, make good choices, and you gain or the scale will not budge. Just be patient and keep at it. Re examine your week see where you perhaps can improve and keep going. There will also be times, that someone will bring you that Mississippi Mud Pie, or your husband walks in with a large pizza, or your mom makes macaroni and cheese. Don't panic you can get through. I try to plan ahead for these instances so when they come up I am prepared. But I also realize that is life I can not control everything, so I make do with the situation and make the best choice possible. If I fail, I brush myself off, and forget about it, hit fast forward and move on. I look at the situation, find the triggers, and learn from it.
If you are like me and have to lose the weight of a whole person, it is overwhelming at first, so just take it 10% at a time. You will get there, it is a marathon not a sprint. Remember the harder the climb the greater the view. See this is just not about losing weight, it is also about becoming whole. It is about fixing what is broken. No one gets to 289 pounds without other issues. I realize now I have to deal with my emotions in positive ways. I have to be aware of me trying to use food as a crutch. I have to learn to eat to live not live to eat. I have to face those inner giants too. If I do not I can get to goal, and still not be whole. It is about getting well too not just a healthy weight.
So why do I do this? Because, I can not imagine my life without it, because I was digging a grave literally with my knife and my fork. I do this because I love the way I feel now. I feel like I am free, and because I want others to be free too. I do it because it is my passion. I do it because I can and I will!
