So I decided that if this is going to be a journey, a true journey to a healthy me, then I have to learn to deal with the things that got me off track in the first place. This means facing some trigger foods,fears and issues head on. In other words, I have to face my giants.
I never really thought of myself having a food addiction or really any issue with food until recently. I kept hearing my Weight Watchers leader saying that she was a food addict. But that was not me of course. Then she began to talk about over eaters, and that was not me either. I mean obviously I just made bad choices right? Wrong,I now realize that you do not get to 289 pounds and not have an issue with food period. Now I look back and see I was eating thousands of calories a day. I was eating what I thought to be one portion, but was actually two or three. Then one day I heard Emilie (my leader) tell a story about how she would buy a half sheet cake, and pretend that she was buying it for a party. In reality the cake was for her. Then it hit me like a bolt of lightning, how many times had I done exactly that? How many times did I buy something and hide it in my room? How many times did I eat in secret? I can not tell you how many bags of chips,cookies, snacks and endless things I ate in secret. Food gave me such pleasure. I ate if I was happy, ate if I was sad, mad, bored and stressed. It was my comforter and my friend. I was constantly trying feed the hungry heart not the hungry stomach. I avoided full length mirrors, so that way I never had to know how truly big I was. After all other people had a problem not me.
Then one day, after avoiding it for so long someone took my full length picture, and I saw myself and I did not know who that person looking back at me was. She was huge and even though there was a smile on her face, she was not happy. She was dying on the inside literally. How in the world did I get that huge? Well then the doctor told me my blood sugars were 400, and while I was healthy otherwise amazingly at 289 pounds I needed to do something or the complication from diabetes would soon start attacking my body.
So I tried to lose weight on my own. I half did it. I was really good some days and others I was horrible! But somehow I a managed to get to 255, but slipped back into my old ways. I maintained but then I again saw my picture and knew I had to do something. So when I moved to Georgia I decided to join Weight Watchers. The leader was awesome and she told me something that stuck with me. She said that the last time she joined ww she decided that she would do whatever they said that time, no half doing it but following the plan. So that is what I did, and for the first time ever I have stayed on plan. This time I decided this was for life.
I knew to succeed this time, I had to make the food healthy but it had to taste good, and remind me of the bad stuff. I had to be creative. I also knew I could not be rigid and have a diet mentality, as I had in the past. I had to allow myself room for setbacks and find non food ways to celebrate.
These things have kept me motivated so far. But I still had not dealt with the mental part. I had not faced my giants.
The first giant was realizing that I had a food addiction. It was hard but I realized normal people do not freak out when offered certain foods. Most people can say no easily. Most of all most people do not hide food and eat it. So that meant I had to realize that I need to eat to live not live to eat. So I became more in tune with my emotions, especially when eating. I found myself grabbing food out of boredom, happiness, and just eating half of something before I realized I ate it. It is an everyday struggle. Some days I want to stress eat big time. So I pop gum in my mouth, and then if that does not work, I then get life savers or werthers original. Most of the time that cures the cravings and urges. Then I grab fruit or light string cheese. This helps me the majority of the time. I also never ever let myself eat out of the bag. It leads to mindless calories wasted and regrets later. I know now that food will always be an issue, but what it will no longer be is controlling me. I will no longer let it have that much power.
The next giant was my trigger foods. I know three that had a stronghold of me. Gummy worms, cake with butter cream frosting, and french fries. So it has taken me six months of trying to conquer gummy worms. I could have eaten two or three bags easily in one sitting! Four of those suckers are 4 ww points plus and 150 calories! Nuts huh! I had to stick to only eating them on weigh days taking four and giving them away. Then one day I saw how many points I was spending on candy and it was silly. Empty calories that would not fill me up! So I have two bags at home and allow myself one for taste, and if it fits into the plan. Now those two bags have lasted over a month and a half.
French fries are easier. I learned to bake them an season them well that I prefer the oven fries now. I hate McDonald's fries which I used to eat like you would not believe.
But the last one butter cream frosting a whole different story... to be continued.
